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Dating A Lawyer Jokes

dating a lawyer jokes

What do you call a smiling, courteous person at a bar association convention? The caterer. What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull? What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of ? Your Honor. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 A: What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?

Accountants know they're boring. What's the one thing that never works when it's fixed? A jury. Why did God invent lawyers? So that real estate agents would have someone to look down on. What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a lawyer on a motorcycle? The vacuum cleaner has the dirt bag on the inside. What' the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee? A boxing referee doesn't get paid more for a longer fight. What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A bad lawyer makes your case drag on for years. A good lawyer makes it last even longer. What's the difference between a jellyfish and a lawyer?

One's a spineless, poisonous blob. The other is a form of sea life. What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline. What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? After you die, a leech stops sucking your blood. What's the difference between a lawyer and God? God doesn't think he's a lawyer. How are an apple and a lawyer alike?

They both look good hanging from a tree. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer? She has an uncontrollable craving for bologna. How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other. How many lawyer jokes are there? Only three. The rest are true stories. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three, One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company. What are lawyers good for? They make used car salesmen look good. What do dinosaurs and decent lawyers have in common? They're both extinct. What do you call 25 attorneys buried up to their chins in cement? Not enough cement. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? What do you call a lawyer gone bad. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer? His partners. What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?

Taller Q: What's brown and looks really good on a lawyer? A Doberman. What's the difference between a lawyer and a liar? The pronunciation. What's the difference between a lawyer and a prostitute? A prostitute will stop screwing you when you're dead. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a lawyer? One is a blood-sucking parasite, the other is an insect. Why did God make snakes just before lawyers? To practice. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? The lawyer charges more. What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? The tick falls off when you are dead. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?

I don't know. There are some things even a blonde won't do. Know how copper wire was invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny. Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?

Stick his bill up his ass. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? Their lips are moving. Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California all the lawyers? New Jersey got to pick first. Why don't lawyers go to the beach? Cats keep trying to bury them. What do you call dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start! What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

Professional courtesy. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? Not enough sand. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope. Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of manure? The bucket. What is the definition of a shame as in "that's a shame"?

Getting a date as a lawyer

When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: Where are you from? He handed it to Leon. They cam upon an open stretch of country and noticed a hangman's noose dangling from a tree, solemnly waving in the breeze.

The funeral procession included two hearses and a man walking a dog. Several hundred people followed the man. Curious, a pedestrian approached the man. The second hearse has a lawyer who opposed me in some business litigation. He met the same fate. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of the fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck, it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick Rule. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.

His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn! You can have the duck. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident. They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St.

After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married? Peter looked at him and said, "I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married.

I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.

The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, "I'm sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.

Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year. In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, "Yes, you may marry!

This Saturday at 2: We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me! The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.

Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty.

Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer? He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river. The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.

The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State's Attorney, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise? The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going.

He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool alone. He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight? What law firm do you work for? One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said," I think I'll get up and get a coke.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes? He had long tended the late farmer's cows, and believed they would his when the farmer died.

Now the farmer's son claimed ownership. The cows were raised on his land, he said, they should be his. The receptionist replies "I told you yesterday, he died last week. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says "I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week.

Why do you keep calling? He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. Thank you for taking all of us with you. He called his lawyer. Get me the course. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan. Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat. Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to shit on.

The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three. The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat. Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad.

Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched. It dove towards those three guys. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat.

Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. And it then rested on a tree branch. So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, "We are impressed! Where do you learn to shit on people like that? In my former life I was a lawyer. A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmer's house.

The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn. The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn.

In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door. It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow. A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds.

What are you doing here? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds. While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

Researchers are at a loss to explain the results. A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of cigars. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple.

I just say, 'I'm a lawyer. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh!!!! You're a lawyer? Yes I am! When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone! Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front.

The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, already. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front.

The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway? The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.

The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want? After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car? But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?

More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages. The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed , and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.

At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket. They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please. The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea.

So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case.

The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you! They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. Me first! She's gone. Me next! He's gone. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch. The Godfather asks the accountant, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?

The Godfather asks again, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me? The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about. The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard! I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you? Maybe you could examine me and find out. You must be a lawyer. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. The accountant says: Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says "I'm sending out 1, Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who? A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store.

So he asks the butcher: How about you, Amie? Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic. Where did you get it? To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. To his surprise, St.

Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about years old! They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St.

Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn cloud-encrusted, natch of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings.

This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, at least until the end of time. They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.

Pete indicates the third walk-up on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive? We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!!

Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing. What do you want to have him arrested for? A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!

On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave? Please, no more These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground. And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, feet up in the air.

They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to a exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer? Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his no, that's not the punch line to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.

On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast.

As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. He just had to save his friend. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice. My side is on fire. The pain is right here.

What could it be? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone? Give me something. Who is going to pay for my court costs? Lawyer Dobbins: A lady cane in the other day limping Give me some Demerol. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore.

The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones.

Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol? It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.

Do you mind getting up on the scale? I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?

The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away All the others are quite impressed. The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window.

One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Thank you for taking all of us with you. He called his lawyer. Get me the course. Suddenly the old man was wracked with fits of coughing, and it was clear the end was near. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan.

Three guys were casting their lines to catch some fish and a couple were rowing in a small boat. Two crows were cruising by, eyeing for some targets to shit on. The younger of the two crows tried to show off and dove onto those three guys. Tut, tut, tut. But it went thud, thud, hitting only two of the three. The older crow went towards the couple in the moving row boat.

Tut, tut. And it went thud, hitting only one of the couples. Since this was a moving target, it didn't seem all that bad. Then out from nowhere came this little bird, wings still wet like it was just been hatched.

It dove towards those three guys. Thud, thud, thud. It swooped over to the row boat. Thud, thud. Then a kid riding a bike came around. It flew over there. And it then rested on a tree branch. So the two crows felt embarrassed and went over there, said, "We are impressed! Where do you learn to shit on people like that? In my former life I was a lawyer.

A rabbi, a Hindu, and a lawyer are in a car. They run out of gas, and are forced to stop at a farmer's house. The farmer says that there are only 2 extra beds, and one person will have to sleep in the barn.

The Hindu says, "I'm humble, I'll sleep in the barn," so he goes out to the barn. In a few minutes, the farmer hears a knock on the door.

It's the Hindu and he says, "There is a cow in the barn. It's against my beliefs to sleep with a cow. He says that it is against his beliefs to sleep where there is a pig and there is a pig in the barn.

So the lawyer is forced to sleep in the barn. A few minutes later, there is a knock on the door. It's the pig and the cow. A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.

While most of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller. Researchers are at a loss to explain the results. A young lawyer, defending a businessman in a lawsuit, feared the worst. He asked a senior partner whether he ought to send the judge a box of cigars. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date. The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, 'I'm a lawyer. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.

She said, "Oh!!!! You're a lawyer? Yes I am! When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone! Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey!

Cut it out, already. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!. After about another 5 minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front.

The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway? The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.

The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car? But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt? More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour. As he got out, a truck came along, too close to the curb, and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus.

The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed , and it wasn't more than 5 minutes before a policeman pulled up. Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. The cop replied, "Didn't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money.

When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.

The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding.

He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court.

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning.

I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you! They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one. Me first! She's gone. Me next! He's gone. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch. The Godfather asks the accountant, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me? The Godfather asks again, "where's the three million bucks you embezzled from me?

The accountant signs back, "I don't know what you're talking about. The money's hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard! I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming.

By the way, what kind of animal are you? Maybe you could examine me and find out. You must be a lawyer. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released. Excited about his success, the attorney telegraphed the firm: The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape. The accountant says: Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over the envelopes. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1, Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who? A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.

He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: How about you, Amie? Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old? An attorney went into a bar for a Martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. He leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, "Well, it looks plastic. Where did you get it? To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St.

To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special? Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about years old!

They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St.

Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn cloud-encrusted, natch of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, at least until the end of time. They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses.

Pete indicates the third walk-up on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best. The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive? We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together.

That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!! Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

What do you want to have him arrested for? A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty.

The jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position! On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave? Please, no more These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean.

After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground. And the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, feet up in the air.

They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to a exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer? Who gets it?

The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. However, I could put 'Here lies an honest lawyer. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do.

However, sometimes it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his no, that's not the punch line to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him.

The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.

Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.

Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.

He just had to save his friend. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone? Give me something. Who is going to pay for my court costs?

Lawyer Dobbins: A lady cane in the other day limping Give me some Demerol. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore.

The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?

It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale? I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone? The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away All the others are quite impressed.

The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window.

One more time, everybody is quite impressed. At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast.

Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner? Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today. Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer," and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb," do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part Light Bulb shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps: This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.

The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part Lawyer , by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership. Any person with a valid Alaska state hunting license may harvest attorneys. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.

It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash," "ambulance," or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within yards of BMW dealerships.

It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

A young lady goes to see a lawyer regarding a minor matter. Now he was facing the age-old ethical dilemma, should he keep it himself or split it with his partner? A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?

I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer.

When he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer. The first said, 'I think accountants are the easiest to operate on; you open them up and everything inside is numbered. A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married twelve times. On their wedding night the settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, "Please promise to be gentle, I am still a virgin.

He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon. The bride responded My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, "It's gonna be great! My third husband was from Field Service who constantly said that everything was diagnostically "okay," but he just couldn't get the system up. My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, "Those who can My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance And Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether or not it was his job. My eighth husband was from Standards And Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, "I know I have the product, I'm just not sure how to position it! My eleventh husband was a gynecologist and all he ever wanted to do was look at it. My twelfth husband was a stamp collector and all he ever wanted to do was philatelate. God I miss him! So now I have married a lawyer, I know I'm finally going to get screwed. Diogenes dusted off his lamp and set out once again, this time looking for an honest lawyer.

After a few months of this, a friend asked him how he was doing. A preacher who saw the shooting asked, "Woman, why did you shoot your husband? He was going to move to Anchorage! The Devil greeted him, checked in his book and announced, "Yes, there is a place for you here," and walked with the minister to his assigned place in hell. On the way, they passed a palatial suite, where the minister saw a crooked lawyer he had known, and the crooked lawyer was making love to a beautiful woman.

The minister was troubled, but walked on with the devil. The devil ushered him into a tiny, cramped rocky cell. It was too much for the minister. A local volunteer called to solicit his donation, saying "our research shows that even though your annual income is over a million dollars, you do not give one penny to charity!

Wouldn't you like to give back to your community through The United Way? What's the second question? The surgeon says: God took a rib from Adam to create Eve and you can't go back further than that.

In fact, God was the first architect when he created the world out of chaos in 7 days, and you can't go back any further than THAT! He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

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