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Namely, will they have enough condoms to cover the sheer amount of sex in the Olympic village? Because they're going to need a lot. I know, I know. It is absolutely mind-blowing that Olympiads would have sex. I mean, don't they have to get up at 4 a. Don't they stay awake all night doing crunches to prepare for the next day's luge race? These people are on an absolutely different plane than those of us who ran a minute mile in high school. Have you ever felt horny?
Well, apparently, the horniest you've ever felt is nothing compared to the libido of an Olympic athlete. Every time one of us normals struggles to do a single pushup, an Olympic athlete eats a bowl of Wheaties for breakfast. And then, they go out in London and have sex on the grass. These folks are forces of nature. It makes sense that they wouldn't need sleep. It makes sense that, in between their protein shakes and absolutely exhausting workout routines, they'd be able to find time to have massive amounts of sex.
They're superhuman and, driven by the sheer exaltation that comes from inhabiting their perfectly fit bodies, they were born to make sweet, sweet love to one another. But because they don't want to have to retire at the age of, like, 25 years old, they only practice safe sex. This line of reasoning is how I'm going to wrap my head around the sheer magnitude of condoms that were purchased for the Olympics in Rio.
Last year, the IOC purchased , condoms just for the games which was enough latex for each Olympian to have sex about 42 times. They learned their lesson from the London games in , when the athletes went through , condoms in the first week and the IOC had to place an emergency order for more. Can you imagine being the person who had to place that phone call? And for this year's Pyeongchang Olympics, a huge , condoms will be available , for the over 2, athletes attending the games.
While more condoms are provided during Summer Games where more athletes are present , this is the highest number of condoms provided at any of the Winter Games. Also, in the Rio games, part of the reason there was so much focus on the condom situation was because folks were worried that the Olympic athletes' ravenous appetite for copulation would contribute to the spread of the Zika virus.
That's right, Zika: Side note: There's nothing that kills the mood for me than the thought of contracting Zika while having an Olympic marathon of sex.
Doesn't contracting a deadly illness in the Olympic village sound like one of the absolute worst doomsday scenarios? I mean, if we are all going to have to fight one another for survival, I really don't want to be pitted against Olympic athletes.
But now, I'm getting ahead of myself. Suffice to say that with the Winter Games this year in South Korea, anything could happen, especially in a country where adultery was only decriminalized in And even if you're like me and haven't felt invested in the Olympic games since Michelle Kwan was interviewed in American Girl Magazine when you were in elementary school during the s, maybe the promise of promiscuity will be enough to make you tune in.
Because if there's one thing this world has in common, it's that we all love sex so much, it ought to be an international pastime.
Athletes at the London games were supplied with more condoms than in any other games in history. And there are more condoms arriving. Each athlete has received 15 condoms, which has ballooned to more than , British supplier, Durex, is anticipating the need for reinforcement with more rubbers to be distributed in droves.
The condom count is already 50 percent higher than that of the Beijing Olympics. Way to go London! Olympians will do it in the road—literally.
Well-conditioned bodies can contort themselves to merge in any surroundings. Soccer goalkeeper Hope Solo, says the Olympics are indeed a romp for the ages: On the grass, between the buildings, people are getting down and dirty. Each building within the village will have its own story and subsequent secrets.
If only those walls could talk. Just as the Footloose reverend feared, dancing leads to fornication. Not even including fans or prostitutes, there are more available and ample bodies than you can swing a cock at. The workforce at the games is over , Over 23, athletes and team officials will be present, 20, broadcasters and press will be reporting from the London village, 4, friends and relatives of the competing athletes, and over 9 million in ticket sales expected.
Greg Louganis reminisced about some same-sex snuggling at the Montreal games with a Soviet diver. Even the return trip can be raucous, with one United Airlines flight back from Sydney essentially turning into a drunken flying orgy. Given the evident reality, precautionary measures are only prudent. Hundreds of thousands of condoms have been freely distributed since the Barcelona games for HIV prevention.
Officials of the Beijing games went further: They distributed , condoms in hotels with rooms rated three stars or above, sending the oddly unsocialist message that the bourgeoisie gets its needs catered to while the proletariat has to fork out its own cash, ride bareback, or play a lot of World of Warcraft. To be fair, Chinese officials did muster hundreds of volunteers to help raise AIDS awareness for the event and opened 40 clinics to offer free HIV tests.
During the Vancouver games officials distributed , condoms, which would work out to 15 per athlete. Lest anyone get the wrong idea, a spokesperson clarified that this total included condoms given out to security staff and volunteers, and in public bathrooms.
The athletes got just 40,, or a mere 6. As the legend of the Olympic Village has grown ever more colorful, condom companies now vie to become the official sponsor.